Hate Me
by modaprincesa
Summary: He was in love with her and she was in love with him. But Draco knew they couldn't be together. Sometimes doing what's right can be the hardest thing you ever do. DMHG


Disclaimer: I don't own it, it's not mine... Just the plot :)

Hate Me

_((Song by: Blue October))_

- - - - - - - - - -

Hermione Granger sat on the green lawn in front of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry laughing. On one side of her sat her best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. On the other side sat her enemy of five and a half years, and her boyfriend of four months, me, Draco Malfoy.

We sat without a care in the world and without a page of homework to do. It'd been like this for some time. After Hermione had finally convinced Harry and Ron that I was a nice person, and they had gotten to know me themselves and agreed that I was not the person they'd made me out to be.

Unfortunately, this was the only part of me that Harry and Ron had ever seen. They had seen the sane, content Draco. Only Hermione had been introduced to what I had become lately.

_- - - - - - - - - -_

We were in love. Completely and utterly in love. She was the only thing that made me smile. The only thing that I had to care about. She had been there when no one else was, when I didn't want anyone else to be there.

Everything about her had made me feel like maybe there was a reason I was still alive.

There were just so many things standing in our way. I wished I could be with her. Wished I could leave everything and run away with her.

But I couldn't. There wasn't a chance of it. For her own good, I had decided that we couldn't be together. It was the last day of school of our 7th year. As we sat on the lawn, everyone was laughing but me. I gave a weak smile occasionally, but I just couldn't find it in my heart to even pretend I was happy.

As everyone got up to leave, I took Hermione by the hand, "Can I talk to you?" I whispered into her ear.

She nodded, waving to the others as they headed back up to the castle, "What's on your mind?" she asked as the castle doors shut and we were left alone.

"Look, Granger, there's no easy was to say this," I started, my eyes never leaving hers.

Hermione saw the look in my eyes and immediately saw where this conversation was going, but still, she stayed quiet.

"We can't be together," I said simply.

"Why?" Hermione said stubbornly, she never had been easy to persuade.

"You can't honestly say that you thought we could continue this?" I said, hoping she would make this easier on me.

"Well I never thought you'd be one to back down from a challenge," Hermione said, furrowing her eyebrows. She had been sure I must just be testing her or something, I couldn't be serious, I mean, we had never been happier together. After she had helped me through everything this year, she couldn't believe that I was ready to just give up.

"Look, Granger, this isn't easy for me, okay?" I said, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Then what's the point of this?" she asked.

"I'm not doing this for myself, you know!" I told her, my temper rising. I knew it must be hurting her, but damnit, it hurt me too!

"Well you're sure as hell not doing this for _me_," Hermione said incredulously.

"Don't you get it! I _am_ doing this for you. You can do better, okay?" I said, really trying to control my temper.

"I can do better... you're not seriously using that line," she said.

"Stop being difficult, look, I'm sorry, this is just how it has to be. I love you, alright? I'm so in love with you that I can't think straight. But it won't do us any good, and I'm only pulling you down with me," I explained, trying to get her to understand.

"But you've gotten so much better, why wait until now?" she said.

"Because you're not something I could just let go. It's hard for me, but that's how it has to be. Just forget about me, please," I told her.

"It's hard to forget about someone you're in love with. Someone you've seen change in front of your eyes," Hermione said with a hurt expression.

"Trust me, I know it is, just please, try."

Those were the last words I spoke to her. I had given her a kiss and walked away, leaving her standing there hurt and confused. We had left the school the next day and I had avoided her in every way possible, hoping to make it easier.

Finally, I had arrived home and found myself completely and utterly... _alone_. I locked himself in my room, telling my parents I'd be down for dinner and ignoring the house elves whenever they would knock at my door.

I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Where was she right now? Was she feeling as horrible as I was? No, I couldn't do this to myself, I would just have to forget, about everything.

_((I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
there's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
an ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?  
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
and will you never try to reach me?  
it is I that wanted space _

hate me today  
hate me tomorrow  
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you))

The beginning of our relationship, the thoughts of it flooded my mind. Those were some of my darkest days, the days where I was sure it would all end soon, I'd never have to see another day. I always hoped I would just never wake up, and I did my best to make sure I didn't. But yet, I always seemed to.

It had gone on like that for some time. I would lock myself in an empty classroom with nothing but myself and a few bottles of Firewhiskey. I'd drink until the last drop was gone, watching the room spin and my eyes blur.

Eventually, I'd hit the ground, everything around me blacking out and I wouldn't wake up until the sun became so bright and demanding that I was forced to turn the other way.

I didn't mind this life. It made me forget about everything. It made me forget that the Dark Mark was imprinted on my left forearm, it made me forget that my father was in so deep with the Death Eaters that there was only one way out. Sometimes it made me realize that even though I wasn't in as far as my father, there was only one way out for me, too.

So I tried to make it come faster. Death was nothing compared to what I knew would become my fate. I'd seen my father kill. There was never an ounce of remorse on his face. There couldn't be, or else he would meet the same end. Nothing but a flash of green light.

At home, it was a different story. My father was slowly going crazy. Lucius Malfoy would come home at night and shut himself into his room and all that could be heard was breaking glass and yells of anger. I knew my father regretted the day he had pledged himself to the Dark Lord.

Sure, he was fascinated with the Dark Arts. But this was not the life he had wanted. He didn't want his son to join him. Didn't want his son to have to see the things he had seen. But there was nothing he could do.

Finally, one night while I was trying to test the limits even further with how much I could have before I blacked out, the door to my empty classroom creaked open.

_My glazed over silver eyes met with stunned brown eyes. I was sure I had passed out at that moment. But random memories came back to me. She had given me countless glasses of water, along with food, hoping to soak up the alcohol in my stomach. In the long run, I was sure it had helped some. But in the short run, I couldn't remember how many times I had thrown up all over everything. _

_She didn't leave though. She had stayed there with me. Telling me it was going to be okay. Telling me to stay with her, to concentrate. The next morning when I had woken up, she was still there, looking tired and worried, with dark bags under her eyes. She sat next to me, holding me in her arms._

_For the first time, I looked at her in a different light, from a different perspective. How could she care so much about someone who had never so much as given her a pleasant greeting? All I had said to her was "Thanks," before I had gotten up, straightening my clothes and looking around at the bottles lying on the floor._

"_I'll take care of it," she had said quietly._

_I just nodded, walking shakily to the door, looking back once more before I left._

The number of times she had found me like that increased as time went on. During school hours, I wouldn't say anything nasty to her, but I wouldn't say anything nice either. I just tried to ignore that she was there.

But one night after a very close call, things changed between us. I had hardly been breathing when she had found me. she stayed there, doing everything she could to make sure I stayed awake, to make sure I kept breathing. It was that night that I figured out that maybe there was someone who cared about me. Someone worth staying alive for.

We had grown closer after that. And eventually, we had started dating. I had been doing so well, and she was so proud of me, so happy for me. That was why she was so confused when I had said we shouldn't be together.

_((I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
while I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
you made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
so I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind))_

I wasn't worth her time, I knew that. She didn't deserve someone like me. Someone who would only lead her into more danger than she was already in. She needed someone who could give her what she deserved, someone who could protect her.

I just wished she would realize it. Realize that a relationship wasn't in our future because it couldn't be. I hoped she would think of every little thing that I did that bugged her. Every little problem with me. I hoped it would be enough for her to forget about me.

Maybe she could find someone else. Someone who could give her everything. Weasley was probably still in love with her. Hell, he would do anything he could to make sure she was safe, to make sure she was happy.

As much as I couldn't stand the thought of Granger, the only reason I was still alive, being with someone else, that's what she needed. I couldn't give her half of what someone else could. I only hoped she would figure that out, hoped she would forget about me.

_((hate me today  
hate me tomorrow  
hate me for all the things I didn't do for you _

hate me in ways  
yeah ways hard to swallow  
hate me so you can finally see what's good for you))

A couple of months after I had returned from school, things had not gotten any easier. The war was looming nearer and my life was only getting more complicated. Yet I still couldn't seem to get Hermione out of my head. Things had been so perfect while I was with her, safe inside the confines of Hogwarts.

One day I was sent to Diagon Alley to pick up some things for my father. I stopped into the Three Broomsticks to grab a bite to eat. As I walked in the door, my heart stopped. Sitting in a booth with Potter and Weasley, was Hermione Granger. She was staring off into space, no smile present on her face.

The other two looked similar. None of them were talking. This isn't the way I had pictured her. I had pictured her happy. That was the entire reason I had broken up with her, I wanted her to be happy. And here she was, sitting in front of me looking worse than I had ever seen her.

Before I could do something stupid, I turned around and walked back out the door. I wasn't going to make things harder, I would just leave.

Unfortunately, about ten steps from the Three Broomsticks, I heard her voice.

"Malfoy?" It was quiet, and I had hardly been able to hear it, but it was definitely there, the voice so recognizable that it hurt to even hear it.

I stopped walking, but did not turn around. _Just keep going, don't look back_, my mind told me. But my feet didn't seem to want to move. I just stood there with my back to her and hung my head.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I finally turned around. The moment our eyes locked, I felt all the pain flood back into my heart.

I shook my head without saying anything.

"I can't forget," she said quietly.

"Neither can I," I replied.

"Please, don't leave again," she pleaded with me.

I shook his head again, trying to think straight, "No," I said more to myself, "I'm sorry, Granger, but I have to go."

I went to turn back, but she wouldn't let go, "Don't turn away from me."

I looked back at her, a single tear was running down her cheek, "Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"You're not happy," she said in a forced calm voice.

"But _you_ can be, don't you get it?"

"I get it just fine, but I don't _care_," she said, trying to get me to understand.

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. I lifted her hands off of me and turned around, walking into the crowd of people meandering along the streets. I couldn't bare to look back at her, to see the pain I could feel.

_((And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
__Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
__And like a baby boy I never was a man  
__Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand_  
_And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"  
__Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
__And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"))_

I don't think I'll ever really forget her. I can't, really. She'll always be the reason I'm still here. The reason I don't do something stupid. I keep telling myself that maybe when the war's over... maybe when everything calms down, I'll be able to give her what she deserves. I'll be able to be with her without putting her in danger. I'll be able to love her and not feel like she should be with someone else.

And maybe one day she can forgive me for everything I've done to her. For everything I've done to her friends. Maybe one day she'll be able to forgive me for what I'll have to do in this war.

Until then, I just hope she can be happy, hope she can see things the way I do. She needs someone who can give her all of their attention without having to worry. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be that guy. And if I'm not, then all I'll want is for her to forget everything good about me, and let herself be happy with someone else.

_((Hate me today  
__Hate me tomorrow  
__Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways  
__Yeah ways hard to swallow  
__Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you))_

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**A/N**: Hello all! I hope you enjoyed this little ficlet! Kind of like my other songfic, I didn't really plan on writing it, the plot just kind of came to me while I was listening to the song one night.

Once again, **the song is Hate Me by Blue October**, lyrics and song are theirs, not mine :)!

If you haven't yet, check out my fic **You're So Last Summer**, I'm really happy with how that one came out. Also, check out my longer and still in the process of being written fic **Through Her**... speaking of which, I should get back to writing that...

Hope you enjoyed, pleasssse review and let me know what you think! (Nothing makes me happier then coming home to reviews in my inbox :)!)

Jenny


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